changes

i haven't touched this blog in months but every once in a while i would think about revisiting it. but once i got here, i definitely knew some changes needed to be made. the title of the blog has gone from majerle (mar-lee) and me to 3some because majerle's little sister is due to make her arrival in a few short weeks. the content will feature a little bit more about my personal life rather than a general motherhood inspired blog. and the overall writing style will change-- it is what it is. no longer am i trying to appeal to a broader audience...or any audience for that matter. it's just an authentic blog about us.

as i started typing this entry, the title "changes" was a no brainer. i looked back to see what my last entry was titled and what the subject matter was and i can honestly say, i was a bit surprised to find the title to be so similar. i'm not sure why though. life is always changing. this time five years ago i was living the high life (literally). partying EVERY night. i was 23, thin, single, and totally irresponsible. but i was having a great time. four years ago, brian and i were living in a tiny one bedroom apartment with no furniture (unless you count a milk crate as furniture) and i was halfway through my pregnancy with majerle. 3 years ago i had settled into my role as a stay at home mom and a supportive partner. majerle and brian were my life and everything i did revolved around them. i had pretty much lost touch with my friends because let's face it, sobriety and babies aren't much fun when you're in your 20s. i was happy though. in the 2 years to follow i started going back to school to finish my degree, brian started getting into the landscaping business as well as working as a bartender at a great upscale restaurant. majerle, brian, and i had eventually moved into a home in a great neighborhood (and we have furniture!). things were far from perfect but it was amazing to think how much both of us had changed in just a few short years.

now i can't help but think about the way things were supposed to be. we had been trying for years to have a second child and she is finally on her way. we had chosen a great private school for majerle to go to, i was working part time and planned on going back to school in the fall. brian felt that it was time for us to get engaged, so maybe i would be planning a wedding. but of course, things changed once brian died. today is my baby shower and i can't help but think back to our baby shower for majerle and how different things are now. part of me feels like the only reason people insisted that i have a baby shower and are even showing up is out of pity. i'm alone. i can barely pay the bills. and i'm worried about how i will raise 2 girls by myself. i don't know what it's like growing up with out a father, since i've always been a daddy's girl. i feel sad knowing that father and daughter will never meet--not because he didn't want to be there or because i didn't want him to be there but because he's gone. i never thought i'd be "widowed" at 28.

my hope is that next year, i can sit and think about how the hopelessness i feel now has passed. i pray that things will have changed for the better and will continue to change positively for me and my girls.