as i type this, i'm sitting in the new baby's room (aka the office that i still haven't converted into a nursery/bedroom) procrastinating. i should be doing doing a million and one other things, but instead i'm staring at my computer. i was attempting to pack my bag for the hospital as well as the baby's bag and majerle's bag, but who knew packing a bag for a kid you've never met before would be so hard? i don't remember packing majerle's bag or mine. to be honest, there isn't much i remember about the events leading up to majerle's birth and i was always fine with that because brian was there to fill in the blanks for me. now, i find myself going to ask him questions like "what did we do with our birth plan?" "did you remember what i packed the first time around?" who's idea was it to have another baby?!?!?" but sadly, he's not there to answer me.
i don't know how single mothers do it. and granted, now i too am a single mother, but it hasn't sunk in yet. i guess i'm still waiting for him to help me turn the office into a nursery or give me the encouragement and motivation i so desperately need. i want him here to help me make a decision about what to pack and what not to pack, because i'm lost.
what's really strange is that as much as i'm not prepared for this child to be born, i just want her to be here already. let the disaster of me trying to raise 2 kids by myself begin! it's kind of like when i was in school and i hadn't studied for a major test. i just wanted to get the damn thing over with instead of trying to cram in as much info as i could before class started. rip the band aid off already. come on baby, we've got hardships to deal with and mountains to climb. let's just get started already!
but instead, i'm going to procrastinate a little while longer by waddling around at babies r us, going on a frozen yogurt play date, and taking a long shower. there will be lots of sitting around, lots of avoiding anything that has to do with getting ready for the new baby and then at around 9 pm just for good measure, i'm going to panic about how i've gotten nothing done. yup. that sounds about right...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
changes
i haven't touched this blog in months but every once in a while i would think about revisiting it. but once i got here, i definitely knew some changes needed to be made. the title of the blog has gone from majerle (mar-lee) and me to 3some because majerle's little sister is due to make her arrival in a few short weeks. the content will feature a little bit more about my personal life rather than a general motherhood inspired blog. and the overall writing style will change-- it is what it is. no longer am i trying to appeal to a broader audience...or any audience for that matter. it's just an authentic blog about us.
as i started typing this entry, the title "changes" was a no brainer. i looked back to see what my last entry was titled and what the subject matter was and i can honestly say, i was a bit surprised to find the title to be so similar. i'm not sure why though. life is always changing. this time five years ago i was living the high life (literally). partying EVERY night. i was 23, thin, single, and totally irresponsible. but i was having a great time. four years ago, brian and i were living in a tiny one bedroom apartment with no furniture (unless you count a milk crate as furniture) and i was halfway through my pregnancy with majerle. 3 years ago i had settled into my role as a stay at home mom and a supportive partner. majerle and brian were my life and everything i did revolved around them. i had pretty much lost touch with my friends because let's face it, sobriety and babies aren't much fun when you're in your 20s. i was happy though. in the 2 years to follow i started going back to school to finish my degree, brian started getting into the landscaping business as well as working as a bartender at a great upscale restaurant. majerle, brian, and i had eventually moved into a home in a great neighborhood (and we have furniture!). things were far from perfect but it was amazing to think how much both of us had changed in just a few short years.
now i can't help but think about the way things were supposed to be. we had been trying for years to have a second child and she is finally on her way. we had chosen a great private school for majerle to go to, i was working part time and planned on going back to school in the fall. brian felt that it was time for us to get engaged, so maybe i would be planning a wedding. but of course, things changed once brian died. today is my baby shower and i can't help but think back to our baby shower for majerle and how different things are now. part of me feels like the only reason people insisted that i have a baby shower and are even showing up is out of pity. i'm alone. i can barely pay the bills. and i'm worried about how i will raise 2 girls by myself. i don't know what it's like growing up with out a father, since i've always been a daddy's girl. i feel sad knowing that father and daughter will never meet--not because he didn't want to be there or because i didn't want him to be there but because he's gone. i never thought i'd be "widowed" at 28.
my hope is that next year, i can sit and think about how the hopelessness i feel now has passed. i pray that things will have changed for the better and will continue to change positively for me and my girls.
as i started typing this entry, the title "changes" was a no brainer. i looked back to see what my last entry was titled and what the subject matter was and i can honestly say, i was a bit surprised to find the title to be so similar. i'm not sure why though. life is always changing. this time five years ago i was living the high life (literally). partying EVERY night. i was 23, thin, single, and totally irresponsible. but i was having a great time. four years ago, brian and i were living in a tiny one bedroom apartment with no furniture (unless you count a milk crate as furniture) and i was halfway through my pregnancy with majerle. 3 years ago i had settled into my role as a stay at home mom and a supportive partner. majerle and brian were my life and everything i did revolved around them. i had pretty much lost touch with my friends because let's face it, sobriety and babies aren't much fun when you're in your 20s. i was happy though. in the 2 years to follow i started going back to school to finish my degree, brian started getting into the landscaping business as well as working as a bartender at a great upscale restaurant. majerle, brian, and i had eventually moved into a home in a great neighborhood (and we have furniture!). things were far from perfect but it was amazing to think how much both of us had changed in just a few short years.
now i can't help but think about the way things were supposed to be. we had been trying for years to have a second child and she is finally on her way. we had chosen a great private school for majerle to go to, i was working part time and planned on going back to school in the fall. brian felt that it was time for us to get engaged, so maybe i would be planning a wedding. but of course, things changed once brian died. today is my baby shower and i can't help but think back to our baby shower for majerle and how different things are now. part of me feels like the only reason people insisted that i have a baby shower and are even showing up is out of pity. i'm alone. i can barely pay the bills. and i'm worried about how i will raise 2 girls by myself. i don't know what it's like growing up with out a father, since i've always been a daddy's girl. i feel sad knowing that father and daughter will never meet--not because he didn't want to be there or because i didn't want him to be there but because he's gone. i never thought i'd be "widowed" at 28.
my hope is that next year, i can sit and think about how the hopelessness i feel now has passed. i pray that things will have changed for the better and will continue to change positively for me and my girls.
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